Bad Science

In a recent NEJM there's a book review of The Status Syndrome: How Social Standing Affects Our Health and Longevity. The author, Michael Marmot, argues that, independent of wealth, successful people are healthier and live longer than people whom I will assume he describes in private as "human failures." So, congrats to successful people, then. Sounds like everything is going pretty great for you.

Also: "Marmot shows us that a health gradient even shows up among successful actors and actresses who have won Oscars and those who haven't."

Which I guess means putting up with 80 more years of Anna Paquin's bullshit.

The introduction to an article in AARP: The Magazine:

"You hear 'health club' and you picture a sea of Spandex-clad twentysomethings Jazzercising to rap music."

On My Mind: Green Drinks

Vets See Reemergence of Dog-to-Human Disease
Typhoid Fido: A Best Friend's Betrayal

Cannabis Use Tied to Psychosis
Doobious Danger: "Gateway" to Crazyville

Grandma's Smoking May Up Kid's Asthma Risk
Hazy Memories: Smokey Old Nanna and My Breathing Disease

Genetic Mutation Wakes Families Before Sunrise
X-Men 4: Jean Grey Gets a Head Start on the Day

A doctor named Quackenbush? Seems impossible, and the article about him in NEJM didn't do much to challenge this assumption. Firstly, the article begins, "Much like the giant Homer Simpson Pez dispenser in his office, John Quackenbush, PhD, dispenses tasty tidbits when he opens his mouth," which just makes me think: Can a guy this awesome even exist? Secondly, this is the photo of him included with the article:


Not a real person

Some tasty tidbits include his thoughts on cell pathways: "The best discussion I've seen in the last year is from George Stephanopoulos, PhD, a chemical engineer." Now I'm certain this isn't for real, because how could George Stephanopoulos have time to become a chemical engineer when he is so busy looking handsome?


Important scientist

The one piece of evidence substantiating John Quackenbush's existence is his membership in the renowned Luxuriant Flowing Hair Club for Scientists whose members also include these people:

"Radial nerve palsy" -- sounds boring. That is, until you meet its sexy sobriquet, "Saturday night palsy." Now it's party time. This awesome rager of a disease, immortalized in classic 70s films and Cat Stevens covers, is so called "because it occurs in people who drink heavily and then sleep soundly with an arm draped over the back of a chair or under the head. The nerve damage weakens the wrist and fingers so the wrist may flop into a bent position with the fingers curved." (Merck Manual of Medical Information).

If they want to scare people away from this condition, why do they paint such a darling picture? Sleeping soundly with one arm draped over a chair, wrist flopping about? Who'd believe that this charming lagabout would soon be manually incapacitated by complete loss of function and uncontrollable tremor?

From the February 10th issue of NEJM, an affliction we can all relate to: broken heart syndrome.

"Emotional stress can precipitate severe, reversible left ventricular dysfunction in patients without coronary disease."

Mama said there'd be days like this! Just say no to expensive surgeries, and say yes to these tips for healing a broken heart that I found on a website for teens:

"This is a great time to redecorate your room or try a new hobby."

"The human spirit is amazing."

"Remember what's good about you." (Have you forgotten about your one ventricle that is totally operational?)

When all else fails, take comfort in the fact that in Japan, the broken heart syndrome is known as "'takotsubo cardiomyopathy,' named for the fishing pot with a narrow neck and wide base that is used to trap octopus."

Science and Rest.
An opportunity to escape from the turmoil of this commercial world is often eagerly sought by the physician no less than by others. With the omnipresent mail and telegraph pursuing him, he begins to find it hard to secure a place for quiet recreation. Unless he can take an ocean voyage, the busy physician sometimes solves the problem by stealing away into the wild woods, his location being known to but one trusty friend. An ocean voyage has been long considered an ideal of freedom from care...But the quiet of this scene is threatened. We are told that while on her voyage many miles from land a ship received news by wireless telegraphy, a newspaper was printed and laid by the breakfast plates of the passengers. So it may not be long ere the busy physician can take his ocean voyage, but yes not get away from his g. p's...Thus by the advance of science the world becomes smaller and smaller until there will be no place left whither weary man may escape for rest.

This is one of those headlines that makes me think the article is going to be awesome but then instead it's about cancer:

Epstein-Barr Virus Makes Cells Immortal

This is one of those headlines that makes me think there is a pretty sweet episode of "Monk" in my future:

Morphine May Help Obsessive-compulsive Disorder

Bunions are gross, right? Wrong.

Thanks to the February 2005 issue of Mayo Women's Health Letter I have some news that might warm you up to our little friends. A small bunion is called a "bunionette," and the process of removing a bunion is a "bunionectomy." I dare you not to have a smile on your face right now!

Statistics show that teen sex, pregnancy, drug use, crime and other things that make life worth living are down from past years, but the obesity rate among teens is steeply on the rise. Whereas their parents spent time industriously occupied at crack-fueled orgies in warehouses full of stolen electronics equipment, today's kids spend all their time watching the internet and eating other, smaller kids. In 1975, if a teenage girl weighed 180 pounds it was because someone put a baby in there. Now I don't know what to think!

(I would be remiss not to mention that the director of the youth justice program at the Urban Institute commenting on the statistics is named Jeffrey Butts.)

In a related story, an insurance company in West Virginia is conducting a study using the game Dance Dance Revolution to get kids more physically active. Poorer kids participating in the study are only allowed to play World Class Track Meet with Power Pad for NES.

Australian Surgeons Reattach Boy's Foot, Hands

This incident took place "after a freak basketball accident...when a brick wall supporting a basketball backboard gave way as [Terry Vo] executed a slam dunk at a friend's birthday party...the weight and force of the collapse, and the sharp brick edges and a broken metal rain gutter, cut Vo's three limbs just above the wrists and ankle."

Dr. Robert Love, the dude who sewed a kid back together, says he expects a full recovery for the boy, and continues "I'm sure that he'll enjoy a game of basketball in the future."

Although I respect Dr. Love's opinion as a man of science, I'd like to humbly offer a second opinion which is that Terry Vo will in fact never enjoy the game of basketball again.

After an uncharacteristic lapse of vigilance I returned to find my sentry murdered and the awkward and unwieldy title "100 Years Ago at JAMA" surreptitiously replaced with the sleek and sexy "JAMA 100 Years Ago." Its content seems to have remained unchanged.

The Enforcement of Anti-Spitting Laws.
In several parts of the country within the last two or three weeks there has been a salutary revival of the crusade against the spitting nuisance...Before that time prosecutions for this offense were often thrown out of court and it was practically recognized as one of the rights of the citizen that he might spit when and where he pleased...Other [spitters] may be more obstinate, but an occasional arrest or fine will go a long way toward inducing reform in manners and morals...If a person needs to spit he can go to the curb and spit in the roadway. Of course, this is not the sanitary ideal, but it is at least a long step in advance toward better things. Let the good work go on.